I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need water and some morals
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
