Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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