this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
