party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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