I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When are your genitals available?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
