I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
