I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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