a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
