I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
