oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
