Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
