I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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