Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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