Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
