He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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