Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
