Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
