I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
