I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
