Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
