I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
