There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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