Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
