Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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