Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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