Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
