Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
