I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
