Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
