the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The cops high fived after they tackled you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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