There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
