Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
