i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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