well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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