you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
