I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
