I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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