I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
