The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
