How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
