I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
