If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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