woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
