If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
