i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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