I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize