I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We need a shit load of segways right now
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
