I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
