Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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