I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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