i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
