The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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