took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize