We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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