Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize