Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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