dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
