there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
