Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry about my life...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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